Today was a kind of wake up call. As I went home, I had a heavy bag, and also a heavy heart. I need to really do better. It's always this problem with me; I know what I want (with school grades perhaps, moreso than what I want in a girl, hm?), but what I lack mostly is the motivation. I know what I need, but for the motivation needed for doing so it is absent.

I have an unstable internet connection, and it is driving me up the wall. Since I constantly need my fix of new music, this inconsistent motherfucker is annoying the hell out of me. Only then, I realise - that I am an inconsistent motherfucker as well. I am inconsistent, perhaps to a similar degree to that of the internet connection.

I need to get my priorities right. But I want to have a life at the same time. I know that if I spent all my time studying and preparing I can do the best I possibly can for the HSC, but....it's simply not possible, because I need balance. Life is not easy - but who am I to complain? Maybe, I should be entitled to. I have many things I am not satisfied. My parents were divorced when I was 8. Or was it 9? It doesn't matter. I'm past that.

I'm going all over the place. Fuck.

I want to reflect more, if I can. I reflect less than I used to be. Life is so much busier. SRC/Prefect commitments, catching up for Extension History, extra work I need to do, swimming, going here and there, generally living a life. A life, I hope, that will only become better after the HSC.

I hope I don't get fed up with it - well, I already am starting to. Ah, well.

I feel the need to do better.

I feel the need to impress.

I feel the need to dream.

I feel the need to fulfil obligation.

I feel the need for satisfaction.

I feel the need to look for something beyond what I have.

I feel the need to peek into the future, and what it holds for me.

I feel the need to finish that to-do list I make everyday.

I feel the need to relax.

I feel the need to share.

I feel the need to pour myself out, revealing all to someone I can trust.

I feel the need for someone.

I feel the need, oh yes - I feel the need....

Currently Listening Saosin (CD + DVD) By Saosin Collapse. see related

This marks my temporary return to xanga as a means of letting out my thoughts. :] Yeah, maybe an entry or two. Sounds right to me, but I'll still need to change this godforsaken site around a bit. There's much of the past me that does seem...a tad strange. A tad. I'll not always post like I have in this post, as some illiterates would claim I'm trying to write an essay or something simply of the fucking fact I'm trying to spell. This is a reflective entry - over-reflective, for some.

Life has definitely changed, some for the better, some for the worse. As for my emotive side, it has been quite well for the most part, asides from the occasional letdown of myself, and, of course, from other people. Recently, however, I remain nostalgic as I reminisce past events and past times, a past kiss and a past girl. I think I wish I could go back, maybe fix something here and there. Maybe, then, it would not be as it is, how I feel.

It's especially during holidays and weekends that feel longer-than-usual with the empty passing of time. It's during those periods that I try to work, I try to keep my mind occupied, but find myself helplessly falling back towards an inconsistant state of daydreaming. As my friends around me experience conflicts in their relationships, I myself, regardless of a single status, find much conflict in my own mind - in my own place.

I've thought before that I could do fine without friends. Perhaps, that was especially during a time when social life was not as large as it is, proportionally, compared to other things. But lately, I've been quite happy. Quite happy that I have friends, quite happy of how I know in times of need, I can, though I don't always need to, turn to someone who has my back, someone who I can trust.

I'll use this as a place where I can voice my thoughts, where they can be opened at one's leisure if they do so wish to take that peer into my life. Getting past all the unconventional use of the English language on blogging sites such as xanga, of course. I imagine this is quite heavier than the usual shit about "Oh, today I went to the mall wif my other half. It wuz funs." :]

Currently Listening FutureSex / LoveSounds By Justin Timberlake What goes around....comes around see related

It has, again, been ages since I've updated this xanga.

Hm, I somehow like xanga better than myspace.

For one, it actually allows you to post your thoughts and stuff - since xanga was initially created for this. Myspace's primary function has obviously been to bring out the inner retard in everyone to feel the need to add as many random strangers over the internet to compete on the number of friends one has. Sad.

However, I have a myspace, though I have not spent too much time on it.

Anyway. Fuck, it's been a busy year so far. Homework is (as I have repeated many times and probably will tenfold) *WHOOSH* and I'm stuck in the middle of it.

I haven't updated my xanga, haven't been writing in my personal journal, haven't been earning pocket money, haven't been keeping my story updates going on.

What the hell is going on!?

Plus, that graffiti piece that I tried for Eucalpyt Mufti completely and absoultely FUCK up. Like, seriously. Blehhhh I am hereby declaring that I will never again attempt graffiti on cardboard. -___- Well, I DID happen to not have ample paint, which I should have. Well, I'm guessing it probably would have been an even larger waste of paint. OMFG, it was totally toy man, I'm telling you. Fucking toy. :(

So, finally school has erm...begun to pause for a short but no doubt a slightly more relaxing time. Ahhh. Love this. <3

Currently Listening Plans By Death Cab for Cutie Streets of Manhattan. see related

Hey, lookie, I fixed my xanga up. Turned out to be alright again after all. :)

Well, one of the first things I'd like to say is that for some strange reason over the course of work experience back in December last year, things have changed quite a bit. I dunno, it just seems a few of my old habits are hard to keep up. Let's see;

1. I used to spend quite a lot of time on forums (in particular, sw.net) but I rarely do so now. Well, definitely less than before.

2. I stopped writing my private journal, but I'm getting back to that.

3. Nearly stopped updating Dance of the Daggers completely, but I'm getting back to that also.

This year's been really different so far. It's been told to us that it's the hardest year, -even harder than the HSC year itself- but it's been going along quite nicely....well hey, it's only the 'second' week, haha. The first week was a mere 8 hours, hm.

The freedom of choice has finally begun to hit me. This year's subjects are so much cooler, and there's less periods to groan and go; "Ah shit, it's Science with Mr.Slade" or "Fuck maths, dude!", the obligatory "Oh shit, that was for homework? Fuck, I haven't done it!" and of course, "Diuuuuu~". :D

Maths (Pretty alright.)

Advanced English (Awesome, less retards now.)

Business Studies (I like this subject. :D)

Ancient History (Wah, two person class way to go! Ancient Hist is awesome, period.)

I.T. (Err...*shrugs* I've been told it's essential for business, so whatever.)

Biology (Omg Mrs. Sloman! The really organised one who knows how to teach. She also knows how to snowboard, ski, ski with a rifle, shoot with a rifle, climb mountains, fly jet fighters, no SHIT.)

English Extension (Quite awesome.)

Hope the year's going to be fine.

Oh! And I got House Vice Captain, hahahaa. Not a prefect, but still better than nothing.

Ahhh! And planning to do a graffiti piece for Eucalpt's House Mufti Day. On a canvas...but I'll have to see if I'm allowed. >_> Like I mean, to exhibit it on Mufti Day...it's going to be house-colour themed anyways. I don't think I'm doing 'Eucalpyt', the letters are too much.